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~~♥ The Girl's Diary ♥~~
Saturday, June 30, 2007

Thank You Lord

Today I return to CG after months of MIA. Finally I decided to drag myself there as for the past busy weeks,I was very lost in His presence and emptiness, broken heart was all I'd.

The moment I stepped into the house, suddenly just lukewarm atmosphere was all I found. Without much conversation, I made myself sitted at the corner of the sofa trying to occupy myself with my phone. After while, mems from different cg ( xiao yun, E432 etc) arrived. "wah...haiz...if I know it's combined cell, I would have not come today," thots of regrets just automatically sank in my heart.
I couldn't mask off my stern, tired and sleepy face with my heavy eye-bag. Feeling terrible but I told myself, "no, no. Must smile n be friendly".

Anyway, Never know that xiao yun's preaching was that great. Short but good msg. The msg was generally about Everything in our life, it revolves the love we have within us. Everything about our life has to do with our love towards God and the source of our life. Matt 13:20-22 the things that went wrong is our ground;our heart. It is not that the word of God has no effect on us, but it is becos pple who receive it, are not lead by the spirit in life. we have to protect our ground. Don't let your heart dies- Ezek 18: 29-30.

The last part of the msg in Ezek broke my heart. My heart has been dead and alive.. Still feeling empty, I sat there trying to soak into His presence as xiao yun continued her ministry time. Xiao yun went around to pray for everyone of us indivdually. Feeling my eyes swollened, I thought I should control myself not to wept. It was my turn then to be prayed for. It's been so long that I haven't had such a ministering session and leaders to speak into my life. She's very sensitive to the Holy Spirit. She didnt pray any prayer for me. But the moment she spoke, the words just broke my heart. This was all she said:
I sense that you are feeling very empty, lonely and have lost all your joy. You feel that you are always giving all this life. But today, God says he is going to give you. Jesus loves you....blah blah blah which I din catch them anymore as I started to weep terribly. Xiao yun has never talked to me and she only knew me at that cg during introduction. I was amazed.

All along I nver thought if God has been hearing to my cry. He has actually heard them indeed and he knows what and how have I been feeling all these while. Words that I couldn't express...

I miss my church friends and the time when I could seek spiritual covering, guidiance, love and people who could speak things n minister into my life.

Anyway, Iam thankful. Thank you Lord for letting me know that you are near. Thank you lord for the decision to be there.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Delicated

Dear Lord,

I've failed to be a problem solver. What my sister said was rite. I've given up to reach out to my mom in a way. That is why I cldn't have the urge n ability to minister, share with her n encourage her abt you even when I know it's the opportunity. I always say I'm waiting for the rite timing but actually in another words, the main issue is I'm afraid. I've lost the anoiting, lost in words to share... I'm sorry.. seeing this financial situation that my family's facing, I feel helpless. In many situations, as the youngest, I couldn stand up to say anything cos I don't have the right n not in the position n nobody is going to listen. Father, I really hate the way Iam. Why is it that I always seem to be incapable and immature. How n what can I do in order to show others that Iam not what they think of me? Being the youngest n inexperience in the organisation makes me feel inferior again n again...I feel so useless... I've failed to be what u called me to be..I look down on myself. What else can I do? Lord, I've failed!!!!


Thursday, June 14, 2007

Will I see the rainbow tomorrow?

Not feeling happy for the past few days..seems like there's always a heavy stone crash press onto my heart and couldn't breath hard..feel like crying but the stubborn tears just couldn't release..very heavy..will you take away my stone and give me joy?

starting to look down on youself..I always admire pple who are capable..who has the courage and can do great things...I wana be like them but my limited ability hinders me..I wana grow out of my confort zone n prosper n be a uselful person..but where can I go forth to find my way to grow n prosper? what is the definition of success to me? How can I be happy n be a living testimony n shine for God? what is my talent? why am I here for? What is life all about?

Grow up n be matured, Eileen See! ......I wana to but just always having this "something" that block me which I can't figure out what is it...

I admire my friend who studied pyscology and is couselling people n moving towards her path. Everything goes well even when she didn't plan or intentionally searching for it.. I wana move into "touching life" job as my career..bt where n how do I start? Though I seem to be in he mist of it, but why am I not satisefy with what I'm doing now? Because I'm still unsure of my calling and I'm not a trained teacher yet..?I wana to touch people's life as career in a more professional position. But looking from the left and right side of me, I don't seem to be any of it or can be it..Where should i move on? Everytime I receive the message in service, it seems just that little moment that my spirit is lifted up..But I couldn't and don't know how to go about doing it to breakthrough my life.

Lend me a shoulder to cry on...and the rainbow will rise tomorrow.................................................


The DIVA ♥