GOD OF MY FOREVER
AND FOREVER I'M WITH YOU
MY LIFE IS SAVED
WITH A PRICE
YOUR SACRIFICE
REDEEMED MY SOUL

GOD OF MY FOREVER
AND FOREVER I WILL SING
MY GREATEST HONOR WILL ALWAYS BE
TO SERVE MY LORD AND KING*

The first time when we sang this song, my entire spirit was driven into the presence of God. I sang truely with all my heart telling God esp the last two phrase " my greatest honor will always be To serve my lord and king".

But the second time I hear this song today...I stood silently...All of the sudden this song led me to reflect the times from the day of my salvation, those path n struggles I passed through in family, til the day I made my decision to baptism and then those days I faithfully serving from then. I still rem I wrote to God in this blog "I've never regretted following you"..But I started to question myself who is this God in my life n that I've been trusting now? Why will I still not regret when I realise I've doubt my belief? Looking at where am I in my life now..I have no answer; just confusion.

All I know is that I couldn't feel His love anymore. When my life's in a mess, after clearing up, it's still a mess.. Grappling with problems after problems does not seem to mould me but it breaks me..1 cor 10:13 says God will not let us go through things beyond what we can bear..but I feel that it's enough of these now; Im left in shreds.

This day If I give up on you lord, perhaps I will be alittle happier? First, the devil will not attack me, Second, I will not have hope n struggles with you to find my directions, purpose and life. When I do not have hope, I will learn to look at the fate and let go and not feel disgruntled when there's no signs of breakthrough that I've been searching and praying for. I do not have to keep searching for your will that has no answer and what you want me to be. I will not be hurt when I see others enounter with u and experiencing ur blessings. Would things be getting beta? But I will still say, " I've never regretted my decision to follow u.."- truely from my heart..

Im confused..I do not know should I or should I not..

How do we determine one's passion? Initially I thought I've found mine. But there are times when I will not feel like teaching and I do not have to work when it's time for my family, friends and church during weekends. Does it mean that I have lost my passion or this is not the one actually?

My principal said that she wants to send me to NIE next year. But I didn dare to tell her that I am actually not eligible. One being a teacher but can't be recognised as a teacher registered with MOE; will it matter to me?........It matters.... How long will I stuck in my life? I loathe this feeling of insercurity..

I always wonder why God shows visions to pple when they pray and search for something but I've been praying and searching too, yet everything seems to be on human's effort; Ultermately Im still back to square and keep asking the same quest after years. I always feel touch by others' testi abt God showing visions. I wonder when will God show me too...

Getting tired of christian life..When you keep knocking on the door where you din retrieve any respond days after days, months and then years, will you still stand there and not leave the house?

Am I getting bitter with God? Have I doubt his love for me? One moment I wana give up christian life and totally steer clear from church.

I slept the entire morning. I wish I couldn wake up.

Sometimes I am tempted to ask You that why are you so selfish? You created man cos you wanted fellowship. We've never known that we'll fall into sin and then suffering lives in us from then on. Life's isn't easy but if we dun have to live, then it wun be difficult.

Last time, I used to live in the past. I hated myself- everything that's in me. But now I lived in the future. Always comtemplating about my future and live in fear and apprehension. I do not know how to live in the present-TODAY; Live the fullest with your purpose, with joy. If we fail to plan, we plan to fail. But I do not know how to plan, thus I'm daunted every of the "today". I still hate mself- everything, every part of me.

Is easy to encourage others with biblical words but Your words could not move me anymore. It will only touch me a little and bypass me. I want to break down before you and rest in your arms once again but I couldn't. I have nothing to say when come before you during our session. I wish I can weep before you and I'll feel alittle better; whether find it better cos I've assuaged my inner hurts and bitterness or I've found healing from you.

Watching the newborn christians at the salvation call, I reflect myself on the day I allowed you to take over my life. Pastor will always make this statement: your life will be no longer be the same. However, looking at myself, I never really have true joy after then- the joy that's birth truely inside of you, which I think christians should have.

I love serving. I love church. I love cg. I love your pple. But I realised that I served and committed and believed so much in christ in the past, I got nothing at the end. My life is just going on in circular. You have brought me situations upon situations but there's no breakthrough or progress. I see that my path is still led to nowhere. My sister never goes to church but she has been so blessed without seeking it, Even when she chose to give you up and married her hubby. I experienced so much being a committed christians but I found that faith dosn't seem to put me into any place ultermately.

But if you were to ask me have I regretted following you, my answer will stil be no. From the day I'd made my decision for baptism, I never regret - truely from my heart. If you were to ask me hw much have I love you, I couldn't measure how much..but I only know that the blood that's in me is from you ; Just as i am my parents' flesh and blood. The relationship that cannot be denied.

I will still hang on this relationship. But I do not know how to believe and walk on. I pray that there's an explicit direction and answer from you. I'm raged to guess and find my way all by myself. How to let you lead me? I still have to work my way out..Let me see that ur immaculate timing to breakthrough is on the way and in progress.

Just one paper and I couldn't handle it well. I wish I dun have to take to devastate my confidence. I'm not geared up at all. Assuage my fear and remind me that you will lead me to ur plan regardless any circumstances and which path I walk. I really need to walk out of my life.