Life without HIM..
1. Feeling Lousy...no matter how I try...triggers me to feel bitter n upset in my heart again, along the journey home after class.. I refused to think about them.. get busy and move on...
2. Friends are just for sweet memories...Nobody will ever stay in your life despite how much you cherish the individual...no matter how close both may be, it will just only be that season...Suddenly miss my friends in VFC...but all have left their ways....I refused to take things too hard...be understanding n accept the way of life...get busy and move on...
3. I love to conduct lessons when I know what to do with them, when they are cooperative n enaged in my lessons, seeing individual's progress from zero to "something", discovering individuals' unique behaviours...I love training and I always wanted to do and prepare more stuffs for the following lessons but I get to lost most of the energy n strength to do it when it comes to the end of the day. Days passed one after another..get busy and move on...
4. Realised it's really really so tough to teach academic for these children..There is lesser structured and concrete learning tasks for them to cope with..Always have to remain patience when they are off in mind. It's so tedious and after finishing work with teacher with the 2nd child, I lost energy n the teaching spirit with the 3rd one. Imagine I only have 3 kids....==" next year how to cope with four?
5. One of the nites, though I was physically exhausted terribly and my body's laid dead on bed, but my hardworking brain's still working OT..couldn't stop her...out of sudden, being a SNO came into my mind. The more I positively imagine myself being it and touching n changing lives of many potential people n my career begin to enter the first step of breakthrough from then, the more I couldn't sleep..How is being a SNO going to be like? Know I'm just dreaming...it's another day to go....get busy and just move on..
6. I thought there is no politics in special school cos we are all on the same level. Seeing teachers talking behind teachers, different social groups form, teachers leaking information, parents talking behind the backs and spies all around, favoritism etc..dangerous culture..surprised that Jo asked me for opinion n shared abt her view of this teacher..another christian who appears to do good on the outside...
7. Observing the way the teachers teach during social competence programme. The children would just get the scolding or "threaten" to chase outside the room when they could not answer or follow what the teachers want. I knew Daniel didn't know how to answer cos he hasn't taught how to..Looking at them like so poor thing...It seems that even when they are "threatened" to go outside the class if they answer wrongly, they still give the same "wrong" answer which seems correct to them! Is this the rite way of teaching? Don't forget they are autistic RIte?! Being fierce may not apply to all kids..do they really understand what we want? They are just afraid of the fierce loud scolding..anyway I dun have the rite to judge then. Just move on...
8. A friend's mother who went through the same process as mum- colon cancer operation,
stage 2. Recently just know that her cancer reoccur after a year of radiotherapy. I read an article that cancer cell will regrow 6 times in a person who got it. Really scare that I couldn't imagine how long can my mum live n need to suffer within these years. There is nothing to strengthen her physical health, nothing can be done to prevent either. Really cherish every moment with my mummy..Becos of her, should I come back to HIM?
On my mum's birthday, I asked what's her wish n the things that she wish to have or do in life. She just replied, her last wish is to see me get married which she doubt she's able to see before her last breathe. I teared...cos I couldn give any promise...
The days without God at all.....it seems fine...n Im getting used to the weeks and days without going service, without fellowshipping with christian friends, without encouragements, without cg, without hearing the words n without praying...tried to get myself back though, but my heart seems not able to receive anything..like an arrow that shoot me but bounce away... shut off...Sometimes it seems better if I ignore my problem n stop talking/comtemplating... get myself busy to let days passby me..When I dun talk to HIm about my problems, I dun let the problems run in my mind..I dun expect...I let go of what it will be n going to be...sounds avoiding n useless of me...? Who understands the long distances behind this path I've started to walk?
However, one moment, I feel I could only turn to HIm when all my friends left or couldn understand...Whether is he listening to me...I couldn care much...
I just don't have the courage to come back..to trust, to expect, to love once again....Im afraid to listen to his words that brings empty hope once again...I hope I can love but without trust, but i know it's ridiculous...one moment I get harden, one moment I break down easily..
It's enuff to think too much again..get busy n just move on......
